Theories (Steve Valdez)






Theory #3
Toilet Paper
Using paper as a toilet tissue dates back to 6th Century China.  The TP we use today is a variation of the first roller-based paper that came about in the 19th century.  Since then, the debate regarding “over” or “under” has raged on throughout the teeming masses.
Having spent many years studying physics, as well as a 3 yr stint as a Night Custodian at Disneyland, I feel qualified to finally put this topic to rest.
As it turns out, the orientation of the toilet paper has to do with the Angular Momentum of the roller juxtaposed with the Rotational Inertia of the paper.  And, after solving a few rudimentary second order differential equations, the result is QED – quod erat demonstrandum.  In other words, “over the waterfall.”

Theory #4
Baseball:  Leave it alone!
Baseball has been around for almost a century and a half.  And like most sports, it has had its share of equipment upgrades, team re-alignments, and rule changes.
The pitcher’s mound has been raised and lowered.  Teams have jumped from one league to another.  Baseballs have been juiced and un-juiced (but let us not open up THAT wound!).
Though sometimes annoying, these changes are bound to occur from time to time.  But what makes them tolerable is that they originate from MLB itself.  Or the Player’s Union.  My point is that the changes are made by the League and for the League.
And then, someone allowed non-baseball folks to have an opinion.  Announcers, columnists, the “casual fan”.  And their opinion was universal – “The game’s too long, the game’s too slow.  There are not enough runs being scored.  There are not enough home runs.  There are too many strikeouts.”  Nails on a chalkboard, people, nails on a chalkboard.  They say that more people would watch the game if there were a time limit on it, or if only a limited number of extra innings were allowed.  Stop already!
Where to begin………First of all, these complainers are not trying to make baseball better, they are trying to make their lives and jobs easier.  A faster pace and fewer extra innings would make the announcer’s job, which is just an ad-lib infomercial of the game, much easier because they wouldn’t have to work so hard to make up little anecdotes for the listener to enjoy.  I guarantee you, if they were paid by the hour and not by salary, we wouldn’t hear a peep from them on this issue!
And the casual fan?  Why would anyone even care about the casual fan?  By definition, they only tune in to the game when they are bored with everything else.  Nothing else to binge-watch on Netflix, the Cooking Channel is showing a baking show and I don’t bake, all my “texties” are really annoying me right now…..Then they turn on the game and they say, “What a boring sport!  I would totally watch it more if it was only an hour-long”.
I define “texties” as people that you text on a regular basis.
None of them have making the game of baseball better as a priority.  It’s all about their own agenda.  There are reasons that no time clock exists.  Baseball is a game of strategies.  Each pitcher has certain strengths and weaknesses, as does each batter.  And those qualities change as the game goes on.  After several innings the pitcher gets tired, the batter learns his “tells”.  The fielders know the batter’s tendencies and where he is most likely to hit the ball, depending on whether he’s facing a lefty or a righty.  Are there runners on base, is this a day or night game,  what is the air temperature, what is the elevation of the field…?  These and many more are all variables that are taken into account on every pitch.  Both teams set up their players accordingly, wait for the pitch and the result thereafter, then based on that, make an adjustment or two, then do it again.
Baseball is not a sprint.  It’s a half marathon.  Extra innings make it a full marathon.  If all you can see is the score or how many times the ball leaves the park, then not only are you missing the entire point of the game, you are in no position to force your self-centered opinions onto the baseball community.  I am part of that community and I will fight for baseball.  Not because I love it (and I do), but because I get it.

Leave baseball the hell alone!

To return to