Being a Widow – Part 11

Pangs of Jealousy

Last night, as beautiful as it was to watch two new friends — a husband and wife — show such natural affection toward each other, my heart tightened for a few seconds. An arm around a shoulder, a hand brushing an arm, the easy banter that comes from years of loving familiarity… I recognized all of it. Those were the small, effortless gestures that lived between Rich and me.

And in that brief pang of jealousy, something unexpected happened — I felt connected to them. Almost as if, in watching their tenderness, I could feel Rich’s touch again, his presence, his love.

Earlier in the day, I had filled out a form at the doctor’s office that made me cringe. I am not single. I am not divorced. But the box I am expected to check — widow — still creates a burning pit in my stomach. In my heart and soul, I am still married to my husband. On July 15th, we would have celebrated the second of our two anniversaries. (We married in a civil ceremony in February 1984 and again in a traditional ceremony that July.) We were never big celebrators, but we always acknowledged both days — a quiet dinner, a bit of romance, a shared smile.

Watching my friends last night reminded me of the little things that made our marriage work. Truthfully, if I ever wrote a book about our 42-year journey, even I might be surprised we stayed together as long as we did. From the very beginning, our relationship came with challenges that would have sent many couples in opposite directions. But we didn’t walk away. We faced each other, side by side, and navigated every pothole life put in our path.

I was lucky. Rich showered me with kindness and love, even wrapped in his constant teasing. Humor was his armor — his way of handling life’s difficulties. And although his personality could be misunderstood by others, I always knew that love was the core of him.

Looking back at his last year, I can now see how much he was struggling. He handled cancer treatment with remarkable ease, but the long-term effects of radiation and the complications from diabetes slowly intruded on his life. Rich was never as proactive as I am about health issues, and I know that caused him both physical and emotional distress. He tried to hide it, but I carried it — far more than I should have — and I’m only now learning to set that burden down.

So yes, seeing another couple so happily in love stirred a few pangs of jealousy. But it also reminded me how fortunate I was to have that kind of affection in my life for so many years. I’m holding on to those memories now, letting them comfort me as I take my next steps forward.

Although it may have caused some pangs of jealousy to see someone else happily in love it also reminds me how lucky I am that I had that affection in my life too.  I am holding on to those wonderful thoughts to provide me the comfort as I take my next step forward.

Please join me on my journey…

#YesICan Coaching with Karen
Email: Kh.yesican1@gmail.com