Don’t Call Me a Widow – Part 41 –

Hair Cut

I’m torn about getting my hair cut — not a dramatic chop, just an inch or two. It’s taken me so long to grow it out, and the thought of trimming it brings up more anxiety than I expected. My hair is thick, heavy, and full, and I’m grateful to have such a strong mane at my age. The silver-grey is beautiful and natural, but I’m still growing out the old color underneath. Unless I start trimming those ends, I’ll keep seeing those stubborn orange tones that don’t feel like me anymore.

I started growing my hair out a couple of years ago because Rich loved long hair. Until last year, I was still coloring it and wearing it in its natural state — curls and frizz included. Once I stopped covering the grey, I began straightening it more often, and I fell in love with the sleekness. In the humid weather, I’ve been able to pull it back and off my neck, which has been a relief.

As much as I want to keep the length, I know I need a refresh — not a drastic change, just a new “do” that feels like me.

So today I’m going to see my favorite stylist, Karen. The first time she saw my hair was after a truly awful cut from someone else. I walked into her chair in tears and walked out smiling. She took something disastrous and made it acceptable, with a plan to improve it little by little. She worked her magic, and I’ve trusted her for over 15 years.

When I was younger, my mother used to tell me I looked better with short hair. In fact, when Rich met me, my hair was extremely short — I had just cut off my long hair into what some might call an old-fashioned pixie. But soon after we started dating, I grew it back. As it grew, I permed it (not knowing I had naturally curly hair) and wore it long and curly until after Alex was born.

For years, I bounced between very short cuts, medium bobs, and attempts to grow it out — only to chop it again. Karen has kept me centered over the past decade and a half, never letting me go too short and guiding me through each stage of growth. I’m nervous and excited to see what she’ll do today.

As a woman, I have a relationship with my hair. It’s one part of my appearance I can shape and express. It gives me style — except when it’s overdue for a restyle, like now. Hair identifies us, and it allows us to express ourselves through design:

• Straightening it,
• Perming it,
• Coloring it,
• Letting it go silver,
• Cutting it short,
• Growing it long — these choices feel like statements of identity.

Every choice becomes a statement of identity.

Hairstyles create memories. Looking back at them gives us a roadmap of who we were and how we’ve grown. I’m not entirely sure where I am today, but I do know I’m feeling a little grief about cutting some of my hair. Still, I need to lighten the burden it represents while holding on to what feels like me. It’s a fine line, but I’ll find my balance — hair grows back.

I’m fortunate. Some people don’t have the luxury of choice; sometimes cutting or shaving hair is medically necessary. I have the freedom to decide. Nothing is forcing me — this is something I’m choosing to do so I can keep moving forward. Even if losing a few inches makes me sad, I also know there will be relief and even gladness, because I’m steering my own ship.

Please join me in on my journey.

#YesICan Coaching with Karen
Email: Kh.yesican1@gmail.com