Don’t Call Me a Widow – Part 26

Feeling Confused

No, I am not talking Grief Fog I am referring to how I am processing life and on one hand I think I am healing well and my resilience is superb, and yet physically I am drained emotionally.

Having my youngest son spend his vacation here is nice but it’s like old times when he still lived at home 5 years ago.  The majority of his day he isolates himself in his room when he is here.  It’s not that I expect to spend time with him, although we have spent dinner time together and he has helped me with some of the purging, but this is vacation and he has needed the down time, so I am walking on egg shells.

I have spent the last five months learning how to live and navigate on my own, which means I come and go and do things when I choose, and not that waiting for him to  be available is a bad thing, it’s just something to deal with, and I don’t want to deal.  In some manner I have chosen to be selfish, no, self-aware, of what I need.

Rich and I may not have had the perfect life, but we had love which made it exceptional.  However, I always felt it was my responsibility to keep the home fires burning and I spent 42 years ensuring our happiness.  (That’s not to say Rich didn’t do his part, he did but marriage is not a 50/50.)  Now it’s time I give myself 100% and just as I was acclimating to this realization I am struggling with not being alone.

You know how many of us (widows) wish we could bring our husbands back, if I could I would be glad to share and give more to the relationship but if I can’t have my buddy I’d rather be alone.

I am not saying I want to be lonely because I do enjoy visits from sons and having my friends to fill the void and create new memories, but I need to find my balance.

It’s all in my mindset and it’s something I struggle with and have my whole life.  It’s about not being in the moment but worrying about what will happen next.  I believe I learned this process from my mother.  When I would go to Michigan to visit her as she greeted me at the open door she always asked how long I would be staying, she was already acknowledging that I was going away.  During these visits she would repeatedly voice how she would miss me when I left…I don’t think we had much time to appreciate the time I was there.

Having my son here on vacation I am trying to be mindful of what we both need and to live my life as I need, that includes working and maintaining things here in the home.  Alex is not a child who needs mom to do anything, and it is important for me to remember that and to allow myself the ability to be me, not mom.

This transition from being a wife is difficult, initially I was putting my focus on my sons, both independently working and living on their own, and in turn they were focusing on me (they are not my protectors).  It takes time to figure out our roles in this new scenario and understanding the difference of supporting and loving one another from responsibility.

My key personality my entire life has been to be a pleaser, and I will admit I was not always happy with myself attempting to please others while displeasing myself.  Walking through life smiling when you feel like crying is not the life I want to continue to follow.  So, with the passing of Richard, I capsulated his energy and I am doing my best to live life fully.  Appreciating my family, warts and all, knowing that love and kindness is part of who we are.  Reaching out and making new friends creating a community that I can be proud of.  Accepting that perfection is just a word, it’s not a destination and each step forward brings me to a place I need to be.

No one needs to walk alone; it’s time to reach out…

#YesICan Coaching with Karen

Email: Kh.yesican1@gmail.com

DONT CALL ME A WIDOW