Don’t Call Me a Widow – Part 23

When Sadness Hits

It comes when I least expect it, but something is happening that is causing me to feel sad.  I know I have not given myself the opportunity to process my losses this past year.  It really began in December 2024 when Rich lost his job.  He went in to work one day felling confident and by the time 5 p.m. rolled around he was clearing out his desk just days before Christmas.  Unexpected as it was and coming at holiday time took a toll on both of us.

Days later, actually on Christmas Eve as I was running around preparing something special for dinner, I tripped and fell in the house breaking my arm and additional damaged to my rotator cuff.  Within a week I was having surgery and spending the holidays in pain and recovery.

Just as I thought I was recovering from the losses above, our son Alex started a job transition that needed our support both financially and emotionally, so as parents we gave it our all, and I must say it took its toll.

By August Alex was settled and life was turning around, even Rich was finding occasional work.  It was at this time Rich had a medical procedure which was designed to provided him more quality of life from radiation remnants of his prostate cancer treatment.  Although the procedure went as designed it did not work in his favor despite months of medical appointments to get the device to work.  While taking care of Rich I had another home accident falling and breaking my wrist…

As Rich started to recuperate and I became a one-handed care giver my brother died suddenly leaving us feeling the void that was created.  They say things come in threes, but we were beyond that number and trying to just survive one more glitch in life.

We struggled through the holiday only to face the new year with Rich still not feeling as well as he would have liked.  His medical visits reassured him he was doing OK until he wasn’t.

He first claimed a sore throat and hours later identified weakness in his legs, within 24 hours I was driving him to the ER not knowing how serious this could be.  He was diagnosed with COVID and since fully vaccinated we were assured he just needed the anti-viral drug and rest.  However, with 24 hours he had full blown pneumonia and was too weak to cough and clear his lungs.

With me at his side he started to choke, and the nurses came in and aspirated him – but within seconds he went into cardia arrest – I was at the foot of his bed, and I saw the shock on his face in his bulging eyes, I screamed, and they started working on him and pulling me out of the room.

Hours later they settled him in ICU in a coma and all I could do was pray and wish for his recovery … however he never would have recovered fully he was without oxygen too long.

I know I initially walked and lived in shock.

I became stoic because I was afraid to cry, crying wasn’t going to bring him back or make me any better, so I put my energy into recovery and called upon his energy (love) to keep me on the path.

But now almost 6 months later I am feeling sad, I am struggling with my emotions, I want to be happy, but I am hurting and I don’t want to hurt.

However, I know this is how grief works, it almost like grief takes a holiday and we think we have succeeded but something triggers it again and it shows up.  This time I am trying to address it, not just live it.  I am allowing the hurt to produce feelings that I can identify with and create tools to work through the emotional pain.

I am allowing myself to be more vulnerable in my pain and reach for the assistance and guidance of others.

It’s time to let the tears come with no explanation or judgment.

Join me on my journey

#YesICan Coaching with Karen

Email: Kh.yesican1@gmail.com