I’m Tired
I’m Tired
It’s 2:53 am, and I am up and awake. When I took one of my nightly walks to the bathroom, my son approached me as I was walking out and said in a somber tone, mom, we need to talk. When your kid (no matter the age) asks to speak with you, sleepy or not, you listen. Alex reminded me of me when I was younger. I allowed my head to conjure up all types of fear, and I would trash them around and develop them. My mind’s eye would photograph each thought in bright techno-color. If I didn’t talk them through out loud, I would worry to the point of anxiety and depression. Hoping to help my son avoid those lows, I let him talk…All he wanted was for me to listen.
Many of us are not sleeping well during this strange time in our lives. The last time I remember feeling a sense of control outside of my home was in the ’60s and the race riots that were ragging. The news information we received then was not delivered 24/7, and we were dependent on the morning or afternoon paper and the evening news.
Back in the 60s, we didn’t spend much time calling family and friends outside of our area code as long-distance was costly and often used for special occasions, not daily chatter. We didn’t have social media or email, so even a letter or a blog like this would need to be mailed to the person you wanted to share with.
Since my youth, in the 1950s, I have witnessed many changes in life and have experienced stress, anxiety, as well as depression, but I refused to let the situations destroy me. I took the opportunity to create myself, often taking the fork in the road to keep me on a path of growth. However, to maintain my health, I must now find a way not to let the needs of others invade my calm. I must place the oxygen mask over my nose and breath so I can be of assistance when someone calls my name.
Am I in a TIME WARP?
Saturday, May 2, 2020
It Should be Kentucky Derby Day
It’s another Saturday in this new Pandemic World. I am fortunate to have somewhat of a schedule for newclevelandradio.net during the week, recording and preparing podcasts. However, most weekends seem to zap me of energy as the days drag on with little to do. However, today is different. My husband and I did some closet cleaning in the studio/office this morning as we are attempting to do some reorganization. Now if you have ever been in the home studio I will tell you that my husband is a pack-rat, not a hoarder. I think we have three or four end of life computers in the closet and one set out in the room. As my hubby would say, you never know we just may need parts from one to fix another. Did I mention parts that go back to a Commodore 64? If you have no idea what that is, you are very young indeed.
Additionally, I have two podcasts today and both should be fun and interesting. The first is with Just4theSpellofIt.com, lead by Gary Moss my big brother. Isn’t it interesting that we call an older sibling our big brother or sister, and the truth is I am as tall as he is or maybe taller? Gary’s podcast is all about words and Scrabble™, yet the techniques he uses teaches and creates to become a better Scrabble™ player, any one of us can use to become better at anything we want to achieve. The second is with Rick Bolton, musician extraordinaire.
Currently, I am trying to achieve patience with the #StaySafe #StayAtHome orders. I agree with the orders and I would rather be safe and struggle financially than get this horrid virus and possibly die. I understand the need to get back to work, earn a living, and feel accomplished at the end of the day, but COVID19 has invaded us and it will linger and combust again in the Fall.
Earlier today I posted ion Facebook that I feel like I am in a time warp, that each day is the same, nothing changes, and yet the slogan #WEAREINTHISTOGETHER continues to play through the media. Together but alone and that is what is warping my senses. I need to chill and breathe and make it to the tomorrow and the many days after that when it is safer to spin out of this feeling.
Have a Happy!
Dear Sue, Liz and all affected by COVI19
An open letter to my niece Sue (and to all of you too.)
Life is not fair you say, and at times I must agree with you but there are somethings we are responsible for in keeping the deck clean and cutting it fairly. Sue, your zayde used to remind us when we complained of kvetched (no I am not insinuating you are,) that we have to choices in life to live or to die. The luckier we are to live through the SHIT STORMS provides us with wisdom to make tomorrow (or today) a better day.
COVID19 is nondiscriminatory, although if you ask the male or Afro-American segments of this global pandemic they might disagree. However, we have seen the very young as well as the geriatric community become infected, and most recover but millions are still dying. All we can do to survive is to follow the #STAYATHOME rules, #WASH_OUR_HANDS, #WEAR_A_MASK, so we stay out of harm’s way.
You are one of the lucky ones. I know MS is not a “walk in the park” immune disorder. However, you have fought it with all your might and we are blessed you are still here to shout and scream about life not being fair. As the mother of twins both born on the spectrum, you have given them life beyond birth. You believe in their strengths and they have developed into young adults who we can all be proud of. It has not been easy for you or them but nothing in life that comes easy reaps the rewards. Your loving husband Joe also has medical ailments that put him at high risk for the virus. Although we may not remind you of our concern and love is not to say we are unaware and non-caring. However, as he follows the protocol we know that is all you and he can do at this time.
When I say you are lucky, you found a sister, best friend with Liz who is a second mom to your children. Often when we get divorced like the two of us, it is not common to hear that both moms are friends. But you with your heart of gold found the good in Liz and she in you. I truly admire the two of you for the relationship you have. Both you and Liz have made the lives of your children better for it. I can’t thank her enough for helping both Wylie and Hayley transition through this as she did. You are one blended family!
Another lucky star or stars in your life is finding your birth family and developing a relationship with them. Not everyone is as blessed to find their birth parents and siblings but you have and you all embraced each other when often the opposite is the result. The parents who raised you encouraged you to follow the path to seek your birthright and now you have a circle of life embracing you. (I could go into what seems like Millions of Friends, but that for another time.)
However, yesterday, when Liz tested positive for COVID19, life felt unfair and you lashed out at those who don’t want to believe in the FACTS of this insidious disease. I applaud you for telling people how sad, frustrated, and anxious you feel! When this hits close to home especially to a front line worker (Liz is a nurse,) it seems even more unfair. However, we have no control and all we can do is feed Liz positive vibes, keep her family (her daughter, the twins, and her husband,) in our special prayers and thoughts. As a cancer survivor, she is at a higher risk, but as a survivor, she has the will and stamina to get well again!
Isn’t it time for all of us to wisen up and realize if we do not prepare for the worst when it happens, and it will, we will be blown away in the wind. The devastation from COVID19 could have been so much less if some in our government would have had the BALLS to get involved in stopping or slowing down the spread of this horrific disease. However, DJT did not, he, in fact, called in “Fake News.” Now we are living and struggling with the fallout.
To Sue and All, we cannot allow this to define us, we must define ourselves and become the best of our best. That includes taking all the safety precautions to keep ourselves and others safe. I ask you to keep Liz, and all the VICTIMS of this VIRUS close to your hearts and let our energies help to send healing powers.
I am adding Liz to my list of those I know who have recovered because, #IBelieve
On the Road to Pain-free Walking
Ok – if you have been following the saga of my total knee replacement here is an update.
After seeing the surgeon last Thursday it was determined I needed that I needed outpatient PT and to center on the swelling and what appeared to be nerve pain. Well, yesterday I went back to PT – WellPoint part of the UH system where I have gone previously, and not only did I learn a lot in one visit but I already have some relief.
First of all, surgeons only are concerned with if the surgery was completed cleanly and properly – which in this case it was. So as far as the surgeon is considered any pain or issues are no longer under his/her watch but it is up to PT and if they can’t or if they find another underlying issue they would notify my doctor(s) upon my approval.
To begin with, although I have been riding a stationary bike, I learned for PT I should ride it in shorter cycles, this is not a marathon. I also need to ice 2 -3 times a day even 8 weeks beyond surgery to reduce the fluid and swelling from ankle to thigh. The PT, Sara provided me with information that now makes me more aware of why the pain has lingered, as the knee and leg were stretched, moved, and manipulated many times during surgery. Also having a foreign appliance in the body takes time for healing and releasing the trauma.
Sara showed me how to massage from the ankle up to reduce fluid in the ankle and also to ice after I massage. She also explained how to work out the scar on my need assisting the skin to flatten and not buckle or wrinkle. She also gave me a list of exercises to do, many that I have been doing but again not in marathon style – I will get there. I will be having two sessions a week for 3 -6 weeks and if I can accomplish a little less pain each day I bet in three weeks I will be outside strolling on my own leaving Rich is in the dust.
If by chance the pain is nerve involvement according to PT, it is due to the surgery and the swelling, and with time and exercising properly I should have relief. I am so excited and sorry COVID19 kept me from pursuing this earlier but I am on the road to Walking down a new path. #JOINME
How Can the POTUS BE SUCH AN ASS?
4/24/20 Amy Ferris Says it for me:
He’s now claiming that he put the idea out there ‘sarcastically’ just to see what would happen. The idea of humans injecting disinfectant into their bodies. He’s now back peddling. Rewinding. Saying it was just a joke. He wasn’t serious.
This is what I have to say to Donald trump:
Fuck you. Fuck you for being an asshole, fuck you for treating human life so shabbily, for testing people’s hearts and souls day in and day out. Fuck you for making this horrific and devastating pandemic meaningless in your eyes. Fuck you for treating the United States of America like some porn star you fuck for kicks and then want her hushed and silent. Fuck you for not instilling hope, for not inspiring compassion, for not inspiring dignity or decency. Fuck you for humiliating people, for bullying people, for making fun of people. Fuck you for treating human life with such cruelty & disdain – what a disgraceful vile creature.
Sarcastic, my ass.
Fuck you.
Get outta our house, you’ve dirtied & sullied it quite enough.
It’s Getting to ME!
Like many of you, I did not expect that hunkering down would be easy, but I also did not expect my emotions to rise and fall numerous times during the day. However, my reality is more like living on a teeter-totter than a roller coast. When something sends me to the top, I feel my heart beating extra fast, numbness in my dangling feet, and tension in my arms as I hold on with a fear of heights and falling. Yet, when I lower myself and touch the ground, I feel as if I am being pushed down as my knees sink into my chest, and my head leans down, almost in a fetal position…
This is not how I expected to spend the Spring of 2020. As summer 2019 came to an end, I was making some positive life changes beginning with working out every day, developing better eating habits while finding an inner peace that helped strengthen my relationships, new and old. And then, one day, I hurt my knee, and the best-laid plans of this ‘chick’ changed overnight. Instead of working out, I was attending Physical Therapy. The weight loss and physical changes that I had made began to diminish and try as I may keep that positive attitude; it teased me with bouts of anxiety and depression.
2020 was to be the year to get my new bionic knee (total knee replacement) and return to daily workouts and redeveloping my positive plan. If you have been following my journey, you will know that I had surgery seven weeks ago, and yet I am not as recovered as I would have thought I should be or planned to be. I am having excessive nerve type pain in my knee to my ankle, and I am walking with a limp, which is throwing off my whole right-side, causing aches and pains. I think this discomfort is noticed more due to the limitations of the STAY AT HOME and BE SAFE PLAN.
This pandemic has touched all of us, and for some, it includes the loss of a parent, child, friend, or relation of someone you know. Trying to do what is right is simple, but it can feel painful, both physically and emotionally. The physical pain comes from the change in our routines, and that affects our emotional state as well. If you are like my family and me some days, you get inspired, and you do something active like cleaning out a drawer, reading a book, baking, or planting a garden.
Whatever it is, it most likely makes you feel accomplished, and that, in turn, raises your endorphins, increasing your wellness state.
It may not be easy to do something each day to provide this endorphin rush and try as I may do so, I find I am napping and vegging out, losing time to nothingness. Some nothingness is good for us, but too much can be infectious. It is not unusual for us to feel like we are riding the waves, and the rush may make us feel physically ill. However, we each have this opportunity to turn it into that “aha” moment. We can do something that erases the ills and leads us to health.
This pandemic time will end when it is supposed to end. We can do our part now to stay well, so when that day comes, we will walk out with pride and confidence for a better tomorrow.
GOOGLE IT – IT’s NOT FAKE NEWS!
4/15/20 From Amy Ferris – She knows what the FUCK she writes!
When you pulled the lever for trump in 2016, did you realize you were voting against humanity? All of humanity? Donald Trump declared – during 9/11 – that HIS buildings were the tallest BUILDINGS in New York City. Holy fuck, right? You can google that. He actually said that and doesn’t deny that he said that. Did you know that the reason your family is getting money for being a first responder has nothing to do with Rudy Giuliani or George Bush, it has everything – everything – to do with Senator Hillary Clinton fighting with everything she had so first responders would be compensated. Yeah, you can google that. Go on… google it. Hillary fought for you. Donald Trump didn’t give a shit about your life, he cared about filling the tallest building in New York – his building and charging an astronomical amount of money for rent. Yeah, google that. When you pulled the lever in 2016 you voted against Women’s rights and human rights and probably human’s who you say you love but don’t support legally. Gay rights, trans rights, health care… yeah, google that. You voted against the people you claim you love.
He’s a sham. A bullshit artist. A conman. A bully. He cheated on all his wives. ALL HIS WIVES. He left Ivana for Marla and Marla for Melania. He paid hush money to porn stars. Shhhhhhh. Shhhhh. Quiet. And he was friends with Jeffrey Epstein. But you don’t care about that, right? You don’t care that he was fucking 14-year-olds? Right. Right. Right.
When you pulled the lever for trump in 2016 did you think for one second that you were destroying, annihilating humanity, or did you just give a shit about your bank account, because that’s disappearing also.
You shoulda voted for the woman, especially if you’re a woman because I got news for you – HOT-FLASH BABE – you are deeply, deeply fucking flawed also.
Her emails were never gonna kill you.
He doesn’t give a shit if you die.
Just so I NEVER forget….. April 2, 2020
Posting April 3, 2020
Gas price a mile from home was $1.69
All schools abruptly moved online.
Self-distancing measures on the rise.
Tape on the floors at stores to help distance customers (6ft) from each other.
Restaurants closed, take out only.
Limited number of people inside stores.
Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.
Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.
The entire sports season canceled.
All of Disney World Parks closed.
Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events – canceled.
Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings, funerals- canceled.
No masses, churches are closed.
No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 10 or less.
Children’s outdoor play parks are closed.
Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towels, no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.
Shelves are bare.
Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizers, and PPE.
The government closes the border to all non-essential travel.
Airline tickets are under $20 but we can’t travel.
Fines are established for breaking the rules.
Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of COVID-19 patients.
Press conferences daily from the President and Governors. (Wine with Dewine)
Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths. (Snackin’ with Dr. Acton)
Government incentives to stay home.
Barely anyone on the roads.
People wearing masks and gloves outside.
Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.
Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.
“Flatten the curve” is a daily saying, along with “We are in this together,” and “Let’s meet on Zoom.”
This is the Novel Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.
Why you ask, do I write this status?
One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.
We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other – love one another – support everyone.
We are all one! ❤️
Thank you Matt Greminger
We R Going Zoom
Every Wednesday is Viagra Diaries https://www.spreaker.com/show/viagra-falls-with-barbara-rose-brooker with Barbara Rose Brooker. I love Wednesday because Barbara makes me smile from ear to ear. At 83, she still has her eyes set on becoming a “STAR.” Well, in my life, she has accomplished that as a daughter, woman, mother, writer, painter, teacher, public speaker, and a friend to those who meet her. Age is not a number to stop her or scare her from living life. In fact, like a fine wine, she too gets better. Barbara Rose Brooker does not seek to be Peter Pan, but she is not willing to stop dreaming and doing what makes her feel whole!
Leave it to this precious human being, who is a sister to womanhood, to always take me by surprise. Today she enlightened me to a new direction she wants to take her podcast series. So when she suggested we add a Zoom Meeting Podcast to her weekly series, how could I refuse? I love the idea of involving you, the listener, friends, family, and colleagues to join us as we discuss AGEISM / Viagra Falls. Let’s discuss life at any age and the relationships we develop. Are they good, bad, or previously unidentified? What is important to us? And does living have to stop because we reach a significant birthday? (NO!) We have the opportunity to feel whole.
During this time, when many of us are hunkered down in our homes, we awake each day to a new grey hair, or what we may consider being bedhead that only our stylist can resolve. Pedicures and manicures are growing out, and many may feel less attractive based on the images the Ad Agencies offer up. When we come out of this, will embrace our grey, changing our beauty regiments, or will be lining up to be the first to make our self over? There is no right or wrong answer, ask Barbara, who likes to dress up and fuss with her makeup as I do too! However, I still love myself with a clean, washed face without makeup and wrinkle concealer!
Coming together via zoom will open the discussion and understand the many messages Barbara Rose Brooker has discussed in her various books. Take a moment to download the kindle version of her newest book, Love Sometimes, or any of her other finely written manuscripts. Fall in love with this beautiful woman, and let’s chat!
A must Share from AMY FERRIS 3_30_20
http://postcoffeeprewine.com/posts-2020/
Donald Trump spoke today at a briefing and said the very words I posted below. Those words came out of his mouth. I suffer from depression; I tried suicide when I was 15 and a few years ago I created and compiled an entire anthology (Thank you Seal Press!) around suicide and depression and thirty-six brave & courageous, bold & fierce as all-mighty fuck humans contributed to that anthology – and I will tell you right now that his words, the ones I posted below, do not inspire or encourage or ignite hope. They instill fear and sadness and worry and worse, they instill defeat. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, he does not deserve to be sitting in the Oval Office. He is not a leader, he is a bully, and fuck him for using the Presidency as a bully pulpit. It is up to each one of us – each and every one of us – to help every single human being who suffers from depilating depression and great sorrow and unbearable worry during this horrific health storm; to help every single human who is falling to their knees out of hopelessness, whether they are in prayer mode or collapsing under the weight of their own pain and worry, it is up to each one of us to help get through this together, and shame on him for not having the decency and humanity to inspire us, to lift us, to help carry us through this horrific and dangerous time.
Here is his briefing from today:
“You’re going to have massive depression, meaning mental depression,” the president says. “You’re going to have depression in the economy, also. You’re going to have large numbers of suicides. Take a look at what happens in a really horrible recession or worse. So you’re going to have tremendous suicides, but you know what you’re going to have more than anything else? Drug addiction. You will see drugs being used like nobody’s ever used them before and people are going to be dying all over the place from drug addiction. Because you would have had a wonderful job at a restaurant or even owned a restaurant … and in one day they have nothing. They’ve gotten wiped out. One day. From our enemy, this invisible, horrible scourge.”
D5 Creation