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Amy Ferris words about MOM

Today I get to read about my mom here at Writers Conference – thank you so much Victoria Zackheim – and I want to share with you how I came to know that I had become the woman she always wanted to be.

It was the last time I saw her. She was in an Assisted Living facility; I now refer to our last visit: Assisted Loving.

I went to spend 10 days with her. I stayed at a hotel nearby, walking distance. Our visit was hard. Some days she was feisty and difficult and irritable, and on others she was tender and frail and gentle. Some days she had no idea who I was, one others I was her Amy; some days she was filled with rage and howling noises, other days she was silent and watching cartoons – her favorite. She wore a soiled nightgown and her hair, once coiffed weekly and curled, was now full on gray and stick straight.

She had once been a beauty – a beauty queen – she was now small and shrinking into her own skin; disappearing physically and emotionally.

I spent time down at the bar at the hotel I was staying at, and went back to my room. Undressed, washed up, got into bed, called Ken and chit-chatted for a while. In the middle of the night I got up to pee. I stopped at the full length mirror, and I looked at myself – full on – naked; and I saw myself: a woman who never had kids, a woman who followed her heart even when her heart was cracked & chipped & yes, broken; a woman who was feisty and crazy-ass and yes, often testy and impatient; a woman who went for her dreams and never gave up even when it felt wholly fucking impossible, a woman who chose a creative path – writing; a woman who chose unconventional and rebellious and shaky as her foundation; and as I stood there looking at my body – a body that was slender but not tight, a body that was strong but not muscular, a body that had so many hidden scars that had turned into stardust, and I knew in that moment, in that hotel, in front of that mirror that I had become the woman my mother always wanted to be.

And in that moment, in that hotel, in front of that mirror I let go of much of the anger & much of the disappointment & much of the bitterness I held onto for so very long and replaced that with a profound appreciation that she – a woman who gave up all of her dreams of being an artist and all of her hopes of living a creative life and her desire to be unconventional – that she brought me into this world.

***Thank you Amy for these beautiful words.  They reflect so much that is in my heart about my own momma!”

Sharing the Thoughts and Words of Alex Bevan

Hello Rand Paul… my name is Alex Bevan… you don’t know me… but I see what you have done…and are doing… I wish you lived next door to me… there’s a lot I would like to say to you… not in public though…. no… certainly not in public… trust me… i would not call you a piece of shit or threaten you… but… I would talk to you about the trail of political dreck you have left… certainly for your own gain.. maybe a little for your party… but not for us… the Americans who pay for your fucking mis-steps with our taxes, diminished freedoms and injured trust in the our system of government…. yeah… I wish I lived next door to you…. ….. ….

Sherapy with Sherry Amatenstein

I am so proud and excited to be introducing you to a new podcaster who will begin with us in January 2020. Her name is Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, who is an NYC-based psychotherapist and author. Sherry will be creating SHERAPY, and you can read all about this right here on the website. 

In keeping with the theme of awareness and finding the path to travel or detour in life, this nationally known psychotherapist will be sharing your stories with our listeners. Sometimes it is easier to be anonymous (faceless, nameless) when you begin to open up. I agree with Sherry; we must not be afraid of what we think our frailties are; instead, we must strengthen our inner selves to love life to the fullest.

If you have a story or want to share issues, please contact us here at newclevelandradio.net, and your information will be sent on to Sherry Amatenstein. You need not reveal any information to us other than a name and email so Sherry may connect with you.

Sherry portraits

2020 is going to be a big year for all of us at newclevelandradio.net, and you don’t need to be in Cleveland, Ohio, to become part of the big picture, your PORTRAIT!

A Very Special Post from AMY FERRIS

You will soon get to know Amy Ferris if you don’t know her yet.  I am her Goddess Sister, and she is Mine!  She posted this on Facebook today and it is a reminder that life has detours, obstacles, and shit along the way but we can survive if we are compassionate, caring, and loving humans!

The Words of Amy Ferris – Please, bear with me.

Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death; 20 years today; November 2.

This is one of my very favorite pieces that I wrote about us, and in honor of him today, I share it again.

A ritual.

Every Saturday we took the Long Island Railroad from Bellmore to Manhattan. New York City. The train ride was about forty-eight minutes, station-to-station. At the candy store in Bellmore, he got a newspaper and a coffee with a little milk; and I would get chocolate milk. On the train, we would find seats – two together, side by side – and we would sip and he would read, and I would stare out the window watching the world swish by.

He had been arrested.

A bribery case – the United States vs… my Dad.

He didn’t expect to be caught. He didn’t expect to be arrested. We didn’t expect life to change. She didn’t expect to pawn all her jewelry. I didn’t expect to be bullied and harassed, and to have imaginary friends. We had never known that kind of fear and sad before, and now they had moved in with us, constant companions, tagging along where ever we went.

You don’t expect that kinda shit when you’re 8 years old.

He needed a job; to feed us, to pay the bills, the mortgage, the car, the clothes.

He got a job working at Melvin’s Frame Shop in the West 30’s. Or maybe it was the West 40’s. We would walk from Penn Station, the LIRR, to the shop. His friend, Murray, got him the job. Melvin was Murray’s cousin. Melvin made frames for Museums, and Art Gallery’s and was pretty well known in that world. Elaborate frames. Fancy frames – gold, and silver, huge frames. My dad was hired to sweep the floors, and clean the place. A janitor. He would sweep, and clean, and label frames, and organize things, and I would sit on the wooden table, my little-girl skinny legs dangling, and I’d watch – mesmerized – as my dad swept the wooden shavings from under the tables with a huge broom and dustpan. And Melvin would berate him, in an accent sprinkled with angry. “Sweep here. HERE. This. This. Here. THIS. This dust, and this sand, and these wood chips… and the mess… sweep, god-damn-it, sweep, you lazy man, can’t you see where you’re sweeping, Goddamnit?” And my dad would shrink right before me – right before my eyes. He would shrink, and disappear, and I was so scared he would disappear forever. He was a tall man – six foot one – but Melvin could make him disappear. Melvin had the same tattoos that Phyllis and Henry had. The same exact tattoos. I called them cartoons. I didn’t know what tattoos were. Numbers – like a telephone number – on their forearm. Melvin had the same tattoo as them. I knew about those numbers. I knew that Phyllis and Henry had lost both sets of parents. All four. They had burned to death in an oven. I knew that story. I had heard that story over family get-togethers, dinners. Incinerated, was the word used. I watched, witnessed, as Melvin spewed at my father. Goddamn you, you lazy man. And I would sit on the wooden worktable, my little skinny legs dangling, and watch my dad lose whatever faith he was clinging to while I was clinging to him. I wasn’t sure why he brought me with him on Saturday’s. Maybe he wanted me to know that he loved me. Maybe he was lonely. Maybe because it was a Saturday, and he never needed to work on Saturday’s, and that was our day. But our days were different before the arrest. They were filled with hope and possibility; museums and plays, and theater, and movies and Aunt Jemina pancakes. Maybe he needed to know that no matter what, no matter fucking what, I would love him. We would leave the Frame Shop right on the dot: Five O’clock, and we would walk down Broadway to Penn Station. Stopping at the automat. He would get a hot steaming cup of coffee, and I would get a milkshake. Chocolate. And we would sit at the counter, and I would watch my dad stare into his coffee, a million miles away. And I would make believe that I was a Princess from the Island of Long, and we were having a day out and no one – no one – could find us. I liked that game. And then, we would stand up, and almost on cue, we would both exhale, and then he would leave a tip, a few coins for the waitress behind the counter, and we would walk to the train station, a few blocks away, and climb down the stairs into the station, and find the track number, and go to the platform, and wait for our train, and the train would swish into the station, loud and steamy, and when the conductor said: all aboard – because back then they did – we stepped in, and found our seats, and I grabbed my dad’s hand and didn’t let go.

I didn’t let go.

And I could feel every bit of his sad and his unhappy and his burden and his disappointment and his humility and his anger and his disgrace and his embarrassment and his shame and his worry and his fear and his doubt entwined in my fingers. Our hands. I could feel it. And when I finally caught his eye – when he finally looked down at me – his little girl, his princess – my eyes were saying, you’re my hero, Daddy, you’re my hero. And I think maybe for a few seconds he believed me, and I think that maybe that gave him just a little more courage. A little more hope. At least enough courage and hope to get us home.

After months – day in, day out, day in – my dad was acquitted on a technicality. And our life came back, piece by broken chipped cracked piece. He stopped working at the frame shop and my mother stopped pawning her jewelry and I stopped having imaginary friends and we never, ever talked about that time.

It was taboo.

That huge, massive cluster of shame was hidden deep, tucked away, because that’s what you did back then – when something bad, awful, horrible happened – and it was swept under the wooden table along with all the wooden chips and all the dust and all the shavings; into corners and crevices and cracks and under rugs – hidden and buried deep.

WEBSITE what a “F”ing mess!

For the last four days, I have been playing with the website, or attempting to and spending most of my time on the phone with GODADDY, who is helpful, but the situation has been annoying.  The first REP tells me that I am accessing my website incorrectly.  However, I have been accessing it in the same manner for almost three years and had no real problems until this weekend.  Although he initially got me into my site, it stopped working.

 

 

Call #2 instructed me that WordPress had issues and that since I was not paying for a secure website I was encountering these errors and it would only get worse.  They want on to explain viruses, etc., and scammers who debug and bug the media and if I had a secure website with them, they would be responsible for the fixes and if anyone got infected visiting my site.  Another insurance policy needed, and $1000 plus spent that newclevelandradio.net doesn’t have but we had to find it!

OOPS – Call #3 site still not working and now I am told the server we were on had problems, therefore, denying me access to my pages.  I was kindly told they would inform me when the site was repaired.  Did you get that email or phone call, I didn’t but it appears to be working.  Also in the URL address, there is a lock for security so my money is going to good use – I hope!

 

 

 

 

newclevelandradio.net is now venturing out to add sponsors to our webpage.  We will have their adds link to their websites and or Facebook page or phone # whatever works for them.  It is important for us to continue to support individuals, like yourself, to have the strength to follow your journey through the challenges of life.  We also hope to bring you more podcasting that will assist you to face your daily challenges.

If you or anyone you know would like to sponsor our website and or podcast with us, we would like to hear from you, WE ACCEPT PAYPAL.

 

What is wrong with this picture? 

What is wrong with this picture?  A friend of mine had a surgical procedure today, and before going to the hospital, she had to pay her deductible, if it had not been met.  Most of us have high deductibles as we cannot afford the insurance with anything less.  Additionally, as she was prepped for surgery, the hospital staff tried adding on tests that would have padded her bill to the tune of $7,000.  Really, where is the average patient going to come up with this kind of money?

 

 

Just yesterday I heard, President Donald Trump, tell the media that our economy is the best it’s been in 50 years, and we have the lowest unemployment rate.  However, that was not a truthful statement, since more people are working multiple jobs to make ends meet, and a majority of Americans are working various part-time assignments, that doesn’t bode well for Donald’s lack of knowledge.  What he and his cronies do not understand employers do not have to offer benefits when you are not part of the full-time work core.  Benefits not only include insurance, but paid time off for illness, personal, and need vacation/rejuvenation time.  When so many of us are displaced workers earning less than our education and experience totals, the communities we live in begin to suffer.  We wonder why customer service has been a lost art;  that can easily be explained when individuals feel that they are not appreciated.  Do You Feel Appreciated?

 

I have been asked why I am so anti-Donald Trump, and my answer begins with the above.  How many times can anyone distort the truth and have so many people believe they are truthful when the reality is DECEIT?  I refuse to be lead to slaughter.  Since I began writing this blog, it has been noted in the news that our financial position here in the United States is not as good as (the wealthy) may have been thought.  Additionally, the unemployment rate is not as low as announced it does not take in to affect all the individuals working part-time since companies have cutback to avoid paying benefits, like the ones I described above.

 

So what is the real truth?  The real truth is America has been GREAT; however, it is faltering.  It is up to us to learn from the mistakes that have occurred and turn things around.  It begins with communication and collaboration of ideas and ideals.  We can do it, and we must do it!  Will you join me?

Happy Birthday A L E X

17 August 1990 at 9:31 am Alex Edwin Hale was born!

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done, but Rich and I didn’t listen!

It took numerous visits to the infertility clinic and many disappointments, including a miscarriage and just days before the invitro, I was molested by a doctor!  I almost did not go through the procedure, but with Richard’s support and love and our desire to have a child together, I am so glad I did!  The sticky sperm separated enough to fertilize the egg that would develop into Alex, our son.

Today 29 years later, I could not be happier with the young man he is.  He too has had his battles from infancy to today, but he continues to get stronger with the adversity of life and is a joy to all who get to know him.  Alex continues to amaze me with the knowledge he possesses and the kind heart that is very vulnerable.  His talents are remarkable, and yet he does not boast or think he is above or beyond others.

Alex is always the first as well as the last one to care for another, and he lives his life-giving to others, that is his true happiness.

To say I love him to the Moon and Back is not enough to express my mother’s love and respect for him.  Join me in wishing Alex (the sports genius with the melodic voice) a H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y!

#1 Going Forward

Today is the day I begin my dream.  Dreams are not just for sleep or zoning out in the middle of the day.  Although that form of dreaming can be inspirational if we focus on what we want and set goals to reach it.  If we don’t, we can be stranded in the what if’s of life.  I refuse to be trapped in my thoughts as I have spent a large portion of my life dreaming, wishing, and wanting.  I have ventured out into the what appears to be the cold dark world with doubters. This time, I will not be stopped by those who chose to impact me negatively.

 

When I elected to take this venture into writing, I began with blogging.  I believe the best blogs I have written are based on self-reflection that others may associate with.  When I receive feedback, I experience an overwhelming sense of wellbeing that I am not the oddity I thought I was.  Blogging, journaling, or writing a book can give me/you a clear picture of the meaning of life.  (Don’t worry I am not going to get deep and dark here.)

 

So, have you guessed my dream?  It is writing a book based on my blogging journals that may not only be my story but yours as well.  I am beginning the climb up the mountain, and I will continue forging ahead.

 

I am looking forward to the feelings of achievement that only I am capable of producing for myself.  I hope you will join me on my climb while I reach for the apex

New Day Monday

Good Morning World!  Although we all may feel safe in the cocoon of our own home, family, and friends, there are many outside forces producing unrest and fear.  It is necessary for us, you, me, and all those we know to take a step out of our comfort zones and begin challenging the odds.

 

 

 

 

Whether you watched the ABC special last night of the “Flying Wallendas” crossing over Times Square, it was fearful as well as amazingly exciting.  Although this is not a feat for most of us to attempt, the concept of facing one’s fears and taking one step at a time is something we all can and should do.

 

 

 

 

 

Despite our political beliefs, we must find a way to collaborate and communicate.  The art of communication is listening and dissecting fact from fiction.  If we do not confront our distress of the real news and listen only to the fake news, we will not be capable of moving forward and growing.

 

 

 

On this first Monday of Summer 2019, find the sunshine behind the clouds, and be the change you want to see in this overwhelming world.  Take a deep breath and smell the roses, the rain, the freshness of life.  If it feels musty and moldy, this is your opportunity to light the way and clean up the remnants.

 

 

 

 

Empower yourself while lending a hand to those who may need guidance.

Who Said Life IS FAIR?

2 June 2019

So you say life isn’t fair, it’s difficult to find a job, create a successful relationship, and find true happiness.  However, if I have learned one thing in life, nothing comes easy that is worthwhile keeping.  I too have felt these same pangs believing I was the only one struggling in a career, with family, friends, and most of all, self-acceptance.  Acceptance does not mean not trying to improve or look for self-satisfaction, it means finding something about yourself to believe in.

 

This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.  It began with not knowing if my husband had/has a job or not.  Although the situation is not resolved after the initial shock that he may need to make some changes that will affect us both, we both had to grieve, take a deep breath, and keep taking steps in a forward and lateral direction, backward was not/is not a choice.

 

Change is not easy, even if it’s a choice we make.  Any change can be scary and can make for a lot of discomforts.  Before looking in the mirror and making any alterations, we must appreciate what we have on a daily basis — find one thing, and it will multiply to two, three, or more.  “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”  So when a curve ball is thrown, we either catch it or hit it out of the park.  Catching it may throw us off balance or even sting a bit, hitting it out of the park, however, empowers us to make a choice to change!

 

 

 

Empowerment is a choice and prepares us for the rollercoaster of life.  Preparation allows us to be more aware of our surroundings and the fork in the road that lays up ahead.