A lot of my friends – tons of friends – are alone this year, this Thanksgiving. Many folks are estranged from their families; from friends or from a life they once had & held.
I know this feeling. Estrangement.
And I will tell you that there were many days – many days – more than I care to count – where I’d rewind, replay, re-adjust, re-calibrate, recall, & review all the crazy ass-shit that went down, all the shit that went sideways & just blew up. Imploded. The pain was unbearable. And what I can tell you, what I know – most of the guilt & shame & regret we carry around – schlep around – is not our own. It’s not. We inherited it; a collection – a greatest hits album – an entire lifetime of family history: the anger, the shame, the guilt; years of he said, she said, they said. Fuck you, no, no fuck you. fuck you more. Years of crap. Years of garbage piled on top of more garbage.
Years of mistakes & wrong turns & rebellion that are treated like felonies instead of misdemeanors – without forgiveness, or acceptance. There is nothing worse than having the past thrown up in your face over & over & over again. To be reminded of all the crazy crap you did when you didn’t know better. When all you wanted was to be seen, to be heard, to be held – when all you wanted was to be loved.
And the truth is – the rub is – everyone has their own shit.
Everyone has their own guilt.
Everyone has their own crap that they have dealt out, that they spewed, that they tossed into the heap.
Everyone has stuff that they need/want to hide, keep secret. Everyone has stuff they want hidden deep – way deep – kept in the darkness.
We are all broken. We are all filled with shards and jagged edges and sharp pointy pieces that can hurt like a motherfucker. We are all imperfect creatures. Each & every one of us, and my heart breaks, cracks, for all my friends who will sit alone this year wishing for forgiveness over stuff they said or did when they were younger. Foolish. Over mistakes they made because all they wanted was to be loved or liked, over actions they took, words they said, because they wanted a piece of a memory, a token of a love from someone they once cherished, adored. A reminder to hold. Wishing to hear the words: I’m so sorry. To hear the words: I was wrong. To hear the words: I hurt you, abused you, mistreated you.
We treat our own so unkindly and we wonder why the world is so deeply chaotic, so deeply troubled, so deeply wounded, so deeply steeped in pain & suffering; so unforgiving, so horribly mean-spirited.
So for all my friends and all the folks out there who are deeply, deeply pained, who are sorrowful during the holidays because they have been discarded, dismissed, forgotten, left out – please know this – we get to choose who we wanna share our lives with. We get to choose who we want in our lives. We get to choose the folks who lift us, inspire us, make us feel like we swallowed the sun. We get to choose who we walk side by side with, and stand with. We get to choose who we love. Blood may be thicker than water, but water is so much easier to clean up.
So, please, love yourself.
Please, forgive yourself.
Believe in the greatness of your own life.
Believe in your beauty.
Believe in your own amazing, stunning, messy, complicated, gorgeous life.
And if anyone – one soul – makes you feel that you are not worthy, not enough; if anyone makes you feel small, insignificant, less than – they do not deserve the privilege of you.
I hold you tight.
I had my flashlight to warn approaching cars that there was an idiot walking on the road, I had my mobile device tracking every step and change of location, I even had a bright blue jacket and some soiled day-glo yellow gloves to give me a much more formidable appearance than I usually try to project….. but still…. at one point… when i looked up to the sky and saw Orion….and felt the fickle kiss of the changing breeze on my cheek….. I looked for the darkest place I could find… not to hide… no…. … not to hide…. sometimes the best place to be is where you can watch things happen around you and try to decipher the confusing signals all around you…. waiting for the right moment might be a lost art…. i don’t know…. I just don’t know…..
Ray, thank you for allowing us to post the link to your story https://medium.com/@rayngoldberg/the-three-stories-where-i-have-to-deadname-myself-644985dc26eb
You are an amazing individual that I am proud to call friend, and almost MISPACHA (family.) As we approach 2020 many changes in our world/society are evolving and if we are lucky we can journey in life that makes us feel whole. Too many of us have traveled down many paths taking right turns when we felt the urge to turn left, or going straight when we saw something on the horizon to our right. It takes courage to climb a mountain but when we do and we reach the APEX we can agreed that the sight is beautiful.
I hope your beautiful story will enlighten and encourage others to live life and dance as if no one is watching!
I am truly deeply mortified & horrified that people – okay, women – women still have the audacity to drag Hillary through the mud. It’s offensive and ugly and it cuts deep. Every single woman whose shoulders we stand on, whose hands we hold, deserve our deepest love and thanks and appreciation, every single woman who put her self out there so other women would have it easier, every single woman who fought like a motherfucker (you knew that was coming – I’ll squeeze in motherfucker every chance I can get!) so women everywhere would be treated better, kinder, with more dignity and respect. I am sick of women acting as if the women who came before them were just there pushing paper around or dusting shelves. Every single woman in a position of power is there because other women fought for her to be there. We are here because women stood up for our lives, we are here because women pushed their way in and made a ruckus, were are here because women said: here, take my hand, I’ll lead you, I won’t let you go. We are here because women believe that championing other women will raise the proverbial roof. We are here because of women like Hillary Clinton and Bella Abzug and Gloria Steinem and Shirley Chisholm and Julie Dash and Toni Morrison and Carole King and Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner and Maya Angelou and Oprah and the many brave mighty broads who stood up for humanity and dignity and justice and equal rights. We are here because women refused to go to the end of the line or the back of the bus or stay at home and bake cookies – barefoot and pregnant. We are here because women decided it was time to show up and glow up and take their seat at the table and it is high fucking time we applaud those women and honor those women and stop acting as if it’s so fucking easy to smash a glass ceiling or two or three because hot flash: it isn’t. It takes guts and grit and determination.
We are here because we stand on the shoulders of greatness: warriors and goddesses and SHEroes and badasses.
So here’s to all of them: the fierce as all fuck women who fought for us & nurtured us & supported us – who encouraged us to have voices and use our voices and use our talent and strut our sexy stuff and stand tall.
Donald trump is not “feeling up” America, people, he is FUCKING her; he is fucking her and he is abusing her and he is raping her and he is doing this every single day. He is trafficking her. He is trafficking America, selling her out – selling her, period.. This is how he treats women. Enough of this horrifying ugly nasty shit. Enough of this vulgar man. Enough of him and his ilk. Any man who can claim that he can grab a woman by her pussy because… he can – because he has the fame and the means and the money, any man who mocks the disabled, any man who claims the truth is fake news, any man who leads his followers to chant consistently and repeatedly Lock Her Up Lock Her Up Lock Her Up, any man who demeans & disgraces & devalues women, any man who throws his allies under a bus, any man who stands with White Supremacists & White Nationalists, any man who tosses babies into cages, any man who lies through his teeth…any man like this would be out on bail awaiting trial.
I don’t want him impeached, I want him impaled.
It’s been a long day, filled with some unexpected turns & doctor appointments and here is what I wanna say to each & everyone reading this:
I was in Walmart today, feeling up the fruit in the produce department, when the news came that there was another shooting, more dead – in another Walmart outside Oklahoma – and I was standing next to a woman who stared down at her cell phone and shook her head and said: It scares me to go out. Yes, I said, I know, I know. And with that, she left her cart in the middle of the produce department and ran out of the store.
She ran out of the store.
And please, I do not want any shit about being in a Walmart feeling up some fruit.
This is not how we should be living. In worry and fear and panicking and watching our backs and waiting for our children to return home from school and holding onto our hearts and texting friends and family who live near the shooting and calling our partners’, lovers, husbands, wives, just to hear their voice because … because… you just never know, you just never fucking know, and no one is immune to this god awful horrific shit.
No one is immune.
You just never know.
Another shooting, another day filled with fear & panic and worry, another day with the lying lowlife conman grifter sexist, racist rapist motherfucker living in the White House who doesn’t give a flying fuck that folks are being massacred in this Country.
This is not how we should be living.
To quote Elijah:
We are better than this.
Women’s eNews is running a series that I created: The Ovary Office. The intent of this series is to inspire and encourage WOMEN to run for office. While there are women who have thrown their hat into the Presidential ring, there are many women – in small towns and big cities across this Country – who are standing tall and standing up and fighting for justice. Women who know that mud will be slung, dirt will be dug up, and nasty and cruel words will be said about them. But run they must. For their rights, for human rights, for their children, for their friends and co-workers; for all of humanity. Perhaps you’re as exhausted as I am by the bully pulpit and men who not only disregard women, but treat women as second and third class citizens, men who believe that rape is God’s will, and abuse of power is their right.
Lori Sokol and I met a few years ago and just like that magic happened: we determined that we would try our very best to make this world kinder and better; that we would stand up to racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and abuse of power, that we would create opportunities for all women to have a voice.
Lori Sokol is one of my very favorite Warrior SHEroes, and every single day without fail she rises – without fail – so in my world, my little corner of the world, Lori IS the occasion that I rise up to.
In order for The Ovary Office to continue it’s profound & important work – and for Lori (& WEN) to continue interviews and articles and making a ruckus – making sure women who run for office will be heard and seen and yes, voted in – money needs to be raised.
Lori will be reaching out soon through Women’s eNews and giving Tuesday and I hope that you can dig in a bit and donate to this extraordinary series.
We have the power to change the world, we do, through our words, through our actions, through our hearts, through our deep desire to take back this Country.
We are Mother Earth and we will not be destroyed or discarded or abused.
Those days are long over.
Hey reader, I have a question for you. What is it like, being cisgender in the tech industry? What sort of challenges have you faced? Do people treat you well? It must be really scary, being yourself in such a competitive and high-speed environment.
If you’ve never been asked these questions before, then congratulations; you are not an out transgender person who works in tech. In fact, it’s possible that you may have asked somebody else these questions in the recent past. That’s OK! It’s natural to be curious, and I’m sure you want to be a good ally to your trans coworkers. How will you know how to act if you don’t ask questions, right?
Today’s your lucky day, because I am going to tell you the definitive answer to “what does it mean to be transgender in the workplace?” After you read this, you will never have to ask another trans techie about their experiences, because you will already know the answer, and will be able to act accordingly.
Are you ready?
Being a transgender person in the workplace means having this exact conversation, over and over and over, forever. The question can only be answered by the question itself, ad infinitum. We often spend so much time justifying our presence to others that it begins to feel like our reason for being there in the first place. Why are we here? We’re here to tell you why we’re here.
I’m not here to make you feel bad for asking these questions. Well, maybe a little bit, but I want you to understand when your well-intentioned allyship stops being helpful and starts being intrusive. The fact of the matter is that we’ve got a job to do here, same as you; we just have a few more obstacles to maneuver around as we do it.
If you are serious about making your office a more inclusive environment, remember that changing these things is hard work. Your LGBTQIA+ coworkers will probably want to help or advise you, but it’s as unreasonable to expect them to do it all for you as it would be to have employees with mobility issues to commission handicapped parking spots. We can do it, but it’s not in our job description, and it’s an unnecessary amount of physical and emotional labor to demand of us on top of the actual work we are there to do.
With that in mind, here are some easy steps you can take towards making your workplace welcoming to transgender people. This list is by no means exhaustive, but you’ll find that even these small changes can have a remarkably positive effect on morale, engagement, and teamwork.
First and foremost, respect people’s pronouns. Yes, including the singular “they”, and yes, including ones you haven’t seen before. Consistently misgendering people is the fastest way to make them feel that they are in a hostile environment. Model correct pronoun use yourself, and reprimand cisgender employees who refuse to do so themselves.
Will you get pronouns wrong? Almost certainly. Contrary to what the media may tell you, transgender workers can tell the difference between mistakes and malice. When you do slip up, apologize, correct, and move on. Dramatic mea culpas do more to make us uncomfortable than using the wrong pronoun now and then ever could, because it makes us feel like the jerks in the situation.
An easy way to head off these confrontations is to normalize including pronouns when introductions are called for. This might seem odd to you; one complaint I’ve heard several times from cisgender people is “but my pronouns are obvious.” Good for you, but this isn’t the case for everybody. If the only employees in your company that introduce themselves with their pronouns are transgender, then that’s a way they are othered, a marker that they are separate from everyone else. By making pronouns a default part of introductions, then this barrier between cis and trans workers is torn down.
Does this seem like a lot? It really isn’t, but be prepared for pushback. For some people, even this small amount of consideration will be far too much. The people who push back hardest will probably surprise you; some of them will be people you’ve worked alongside for years, people whose politics you thought you understood. Transphobia isn’t limited to any side of the political spectrum, and can be found in even the most empathetic and liberal individuals.
This leads us to a harsh truth. Transphobia cannot be tolerated in the workplace, whether it manifests as refusing to respect a coworker’s pronouns or harassing them for using the correct bathroom. When it occurs, if you really are serious about fostering an inclusive environment, then your transgender employees will look to you for support. Be prepared to offer sensitivity and diversity training to employees who exhibit transphobic behavior. Stricter disciplinary actions may even become necessary.
Being an ally isn’t easy; as somebody once told me, it’s a verb, not an adjective. It means putting yourself out there, to serve as a shield between your marginalized employees and those that would harm them through actions and words. It also means being open to criticism, and accepting that you do not understand transgender people’s experiences the way you understand your own. If you have the strength, humility, and empathy, then you can make your workplace a beacon of inclusion.
A little Wednesday SHErmon for all of us humans who believe we need to shrink or cower or make ourselves small for someone else to be big or seen or visible; for those of us who allow others to take up more space thinking we’re being generous & kind when in truth we are being nice & yes, dare I say a bit fearful, for those of us who believe we are less than when in truth we are fucking epic and much more; we are so much more.
This post is for all the humans, every single one, who need to know that their lives are massive, huge, fierce as all mighty fuck.
The list of #NoMore
- Taking shit from anyone.
- Letting others cut ahead in line & in life.
- Being a doormat, a punching bag.
- Berating your life.
- Belittling your life.
- Begrudging your life.
- Bemoaning your life.
- Stepping aside, standing in the background, standing off to the side.
- Putting your glorious sexy messy life on hold.
- Selling yourself short.
- Accepting less than.
- Giving away the goods & the goodie bag.
- Letting others take what is rightfully yours.
- Believing the ‘blood is thicker than water’ bullshit.
- Believing you’re not enough.
- Carrying the burden of someone else’s shame & guilt.
- Allowing someone else’s abuse, cruelty to define you.
- Accepting crumbs.
- Living someone else’s version of the life you want to live.
- Believing all the bad awful ugly shit someone else says about you so they can feel taller and bigger and more powerful. Fuck that shit.
- Letting the bullies win.
- Living in the closet.
- Staying small.
- Staying invisible.
- Staying put.
- Staying silent.
Wearing clothes that don’t fit, shoes that are too tight, sweaters with moth eaten holes, jeans that no longer zip, tee-shirts with stains, panties that are torn and frayed, bras with underwires, boxer shorts with no elasticity, tattoos filled with hate; no more being uncomfortable in your own skin.
Believing your flaws and your fuck ups and your foibles and all your mistakes are who you are, and not how far you’ve come.
Republican: You Can’t Impeach Trump for a Crime He Does ‘All the Time.’ So re-elect a serial criminal next November? The Republican Party is now a criminal organization with a blind allegiance to a ruthless and evil bigot and racist. The Party of Trump is the Confederate Party reborn. America is facing a new Civil War and the Republicans have denied the memory of Lincoln. The future of our Democratic Republic is in grave danger. This week will determine if we still believe No One Is Above The Law.